Learn to Love your Map

In our lives, we do something every once in a while, that we can't forgive ourselves for. If we don't have a visible scar, then we have imaginary ones tattooing our hearts.

For those of you who know who I am, I'm sorry I have to tell you about this, but you'll find that it ties in very well.

I'm your average teenager, I hang out with friends and party, and do stupid things. All of the stupid things I do, aren't when I am out with friends, but rather when I am alone.

My wrists are covered with the scars of my past. Unlike never being able to forget about something, that you do at times still forget about, I am reminded all of the things I've done every time I look down, even if my wrists aren't exposed. Lately, I've wished the scars away, wished that this and that point in my life never existed.

As I thought about this today, I realized that I needed to learn to love everything that I've ever let go wrong. Instead of looking on those scars with hate, I need to see them as a map of my past. You can tell exactly where I've been: the smaller scars represent my lesser problems, while the larger ones represent the pain that I've mapped out in my own blood.

We need to accept what has happened to shape our past. We need to accept that although we might have made several mistakes in our lifetime, they are mapped out now, written in our blood. Although some of us aren't very good at following directions, and still get lost even if we have our own personal, self written map. We can't drive in circles for forever, and eventually we will find a way past that sign that reads: "Dead End," even if we have to turn around or back up to do it.

You are what you eat....

Lately I've had a lot of time just to sit and think about everything that is going on around me. I am at that point in my high school years where I am really just starting to find, and define myself, and i've come up with this conclusion: you are what you eat. Most of you are probably sitting there saying...ummm...yeah...hun... But, rather it is my version of what this phrase means to me that makes it different.

Rather than talking about food, I prefer to talk about my favorite subject: life. Just like you are what you eat, you are the very words that you define yourself as. If you were to say you were wonderful, you would be wonderful so long as you thought that.

I have found myself talking about who I am. In the end, at this point in my life, I really don't know who I am, so I create myself. I haven't created the best image, if i could start over, I would. My image for my close friends is that of someone who basically just has issues. Perhaps these issues really exsist, or maybe, i'm just creating my own problems. I know that at least most of the depression I feel, wasn't caused by me, but perhaps a fraction of it was. I can't change what i've done, but i can change what I think about myself. Like the food we eat, compliments we give ourselves are energy. You need the energy of knowing what a great person you are, everyone needs that in their life too. If you give yourself bad fuel, then you don't function as well.

So in the end, that saying was true, it doesn't mean that if you eat a brownie you are one, but rather what you think about yourself is who you are.

Who is the Fairest in the Land?

I used to think that all guys just looked at looks. Perhaps for the most part, I was right. But a friend let something slip the other day about confidence. This thought had never really occurred to me... self confidence is what makes a person pretty. I suppose that I had seen it, but never really grasped the thought.

There is this girl at my school, and all the guys think she's "worth a left nut". Personally, I think she's cute...but not that pretty. Why then do all the guys love her? It is because of her self confidence! I would almost call her arrogant, but the guys don't think so. She has mastered the art of making everyone think that she is "the fairest in the land".

Sure, other things might be a factor too. But being pretty is based on self confidence. You could be the prettiest girl in the world, and if you don't think so, neither will anyone else.

Nightmares vs. Dreams

I was talking to a friend not to long ago about nightmares and dreams. The question was: "Would you rather have a dreamless night or nightmares?" Which might seem like a childish question, but it got me thinking.

A dreamless night almost makes me feel like I've died. You all of a sudden are gone, and everything is black. Even though everyone says there will be a light when you die, I imagine everything going black for a while first. Nothingness is one of my biggest fears, my greatest fear is being alone, which is my equivalent to nothingness. My Hell on earth would simply to be left alone. I wouldn't even have to be the only person in the world, just simply left alone. So rather than a dreamless night, I would pick a nightmare. Nightmares are so realistic, and you feel such fear, that you know you can't be dead. Because in order to feel fear, you must be alive.

I'd compare it to being completely numb. With a nightmare, your sense of fear is intact. However, when there is nothing, you feel no pain, but does that mean that it doesn't hurt? No, it simply means that you can't feel the pain. The pain that you can feel, shows you what is happening, which is why i'd chose a nightmare over a dreamless night.